A few days ago, while walking my dog, a small group of free-spirited young boys rushed by us on bikes. The first nearly ran Harlow over, with what initially seemed like intention, as he glanced back and caught eyes with me silently. Without thinking, but Cleary with loaded judgement, I yelled, "why would you do that?".

I'm naturally curious about human understanding and inner motivations, so I suppose in that split second I calculated all the unused space on the greenway path he could have used, all the time he had to consider a different choice before biking so close to us, or even to offer a simple apology?

then finally the last of the bunch, biking a little slower, trailing the group came up behind...

"sorry about that. scaring your dog and all."

Instantly I released. It wasn't that I had intention of chasing the rogue biker down for revenge, but his friend's apology reminded me, sometimes it's about acknowledging and respecting someone else's existence.

and then immediately rolling behind that, was the opportunity for me to acknowledge his existence.  (*while rolling eyes at my inner higher self, that seemingly always has her shit together*)

I didn't know anything about him beyond our brief interaction...
a wild, teenager, recklessly, menacing an innocent dog? Maybe.

but just as easily I saw myself. In a world of institutional oppression, and "stuckness", and rules, and what's right, who's right, faux righteousness...  sometimes you just want to let loose and give yourself freedom and grace. I mean thats what I'm doing with this typo-filled blog, and my tangled hair, and free-speaking mind, and carefree attitude about what people think of me.

I was reminded that sometimes doing what's best for you, what heals you, that god-given freedom you have to express and release, can appear a violent and negligent to those around you.

That your attempts to shed the weight of expectation and boxed reality for a moment of release, seems like pure evil intent against an innocent soul. (sound familiar to any judgements you've recently made?).

so I forgave myself.

Harlow was okay, minding her business, high-stepping in peace.
I was okay, having learned a new lesson in grace.
...and so I looked back out at the group of wild boys and thought,

"have fun kiddo. be free for us all. you deserve it. be safe."

Lessons of forgiveness frequent me often, and I mean OFTEN!
(man. God rides me so hard I'm convinced I murdered puppies in my last lifetime)
...but the common guiding path I notice, plus the bonus points for picking up invaluable self-reflection and inner-growth is... PERSPECTIVE.

none of us have full perspective of what another person's life may be like. We never, ever will. Not the full story, not the full context and inner "stuff" we all privately work through.

So instead I suggest we:

1. challenge ourselves with empathy, shifting our prioritized view of motivations and intent to a larger more shared space of community joy happiness hurt suffering etc. (I'm a work in progress here)
2. reflecting why we are offended or hurt (expectation and judgements likely); and 
3. ask ourselves what we truly need or what it is we feel like we lost when we are hurt.

I'm a work in progress. We all are.
yesterday I briefly fell in shambles and had to just take a nap.
maybe next time I need a breather, I'll go on a wild ride.

When I'm uplifting myself and others through tough times, I stand pulling out my old handy beliefs:


...but sometimes you can repeat these things over and over to yourself, you can listen to the most uplifting music, you can do yoga and take all the meditative walks, you can pet animals, hug sweet babies... all the things and still feel like [blah].

I feel like that right now.

What is kindness and rising above and forgiving, when you feel so hurt and betrayed.
What is faith in God and trust in his will when you feel so blinded by the walk.
What is an investment of personal principle, standards of respect and compassion when we sometimes live in a world that rewards others for doing the exact opposite.
What are we fighting for, when all we've had to do was fight.
What are we hoping for when there's no guarantee our answered prayer will even stay.

Dare I arrogantly ask God, "Why is my test so hard?"
Dare I surrender to my own weakness of being a deeply feeling human being, that feels scared sometimes, not up to the task, or frankly sometimes flat out tired of being called to task, ask God, "Why is my test so hard?"

In real time, while wiping my own tears, I don't have the answers.

so I share... wait 24 hours.

Unplug. Completely. Endure the now with rest. (even so I say this with privilege and gratitude of being able to rest)
At peace with no guarantee tomorrow will be any different, but healed and loved with 24 Hours of complete surrender and release.

You endured many, many yesterdays.
You're already committed to the now of today.
You will always be deserving a well-rested peaceful start of life tomorrow.

rest well. be well.
Let it go.

When I wrote the post "25 Things To Do Before Turning 25" two months before my 25th birthday, it was innocently intentioned, and from a place of where my journey was then.

At 32, I will not shame it — there's actually some really great suggestions listed. :)

Instead, I'll create an updated list, I like to call Things To Do Before Leaving This Lifetime.
I'm loooong winded, so this will be part 1.  Here's a quick rundown of the list:)

1. Forgive your body shame. Love your natural God-given body. Build self worth.
2. Fail. Be okay with failure. Make room for failure. Seek ways to retool failure. Empower yourself and others with your stories of failure.
3. Forgive. Forgive Your Bad choices. Forgive Your Parents. Forgive God.
4. Love Shamelessly.
5. Love God. Have Gratitude. Share your stories about your bond. Respect. Learn.

-------------------------

1. Forgive your body shame. Love your natural God-given body. Build self worth.


I couldn't wait to list this, because the first thing I listed at 25 was "lose 25lbs". I get it. It's hard being a twentysomething. It's hard being a woman. It's hard being a man. It's hard trying to love yourself. Society and inner insecurity make it hard to love being a curvy, thick, fat, or soft bellied. The influence of beauty standards make it hard to love your own wild tangled natural hair; over-filled and under-filled bras; untoned legs or muscular legs; flabby arms or "man arms"; crooked teeth, gapped teeth, missing teeth...

all the things society shames... because society has no identity. NONE.
so it strips you of yours due to it's own insecurity.
or copy and repastes it in a "more ideal form or persona".

Forgive yourself for buying into this foolishness and love yourself. If you want to make changes, do it free-willed and for your own approval... but continue loving yourself along the way as you make your way to your desired destination.

Clothes, Jewelry, Make-up, Relationships, partners, acceptance... none of these things have any impact on your self worth and value. It's fun to dress up, be creative with style, and  outwardly express personality, but true worth is in the truth of self. Who you think you are and what you value about yourself. You are your body and sooo much more.

      List 3-5 inner body critiques or shames you hold on to. 
      Express your thoughts, worries, or memories associated with these shames. Detail the people,    
     places, and experiences that triggered or co-created these shames. 

      Helpful Guiding Choices Dealing with shame:
     Accept shame. Rewire as admired uniqueness. *bonus find or create a bonded uplifting community!
     Accept forgive shame. Love as part of yourself. Co-create a plan toward a healed relationship. 
    Release Shame. Express your needs and boundaries. Create a plan to heal, release or cut bond.




2. Fail. Be okay with failure. Make room for failure. Seek ways to retool failure. Empower yourself and others with your stories of failure.

Failure haunts me! Not literally, but as a self-professed perfectionist, I'm aware of my own tendency to label what is and isn't acceptable, being judgmental from my own perspective of "ideal" versus experiencing a free-flowing life. (Uptight much? but that's okay. this is a piece of me that is valued and still in progress LOL).

On the other hand, I love hearing stories of failure from admired, successful, leaders. It reminds us that  life and love and dream can move forward  — if we release the oftentimes shameful, painful grip of trying to avoid the failure in the first place, compulsively worrying how to fix, or even how to hide.

We lose pieces of ourselves in the shame of failure. I like to write and have been working on a book forever, but I am often afraid I don't "write right" (whatever that means). I've allowed that fear of writing cripple me for years, often freezing or avoiding writing tasks at work, and so much more.
Tapping back into this blog will hopefully help me release a bit.

      List 3-5 failures. Small. Big. Life changing...
      Think back on how it made you feel. Scared? Stuck? Frozen? Ashamed. Relieved? Freed?
     Detail the story, people, and places. Who or what made you believe what happened was even actually a failure?
     What action did you decide to stop? Can that action be revived and retooled for another use? 
    Find an opportunity to share your failure, even if it's still an "ongoing unresolved failure".
    One-on-one or publicly with a group. Share what you've learned. How has it shaped or changed you?What do you plan to do to avoid or maybe... what do you plan to do to lean in further to your failure?



3. Forgive. Forgive Your Bad choices. Forgive Your Parents. Forgive God.

In my journey, I've found forgiveness to be one of those tough, deeply personal and self-defined things, that's equally and critically life and soul sustaining. I have no idea of the steps, how to confirm the act forgiveness or release has actually be done, or what the true value is...

I just know, when people have done some pretty sucky, harmful things to me, I sometimes do this almost equally sucky thing, called letting it go. Rising above. Being the bigger person. (blah!)

On the flip side, when people have done some pretty sucky harmful things to me, I've been trying this new thing, that is also equally sucky, but sometimes divinely uniquely freeing, called flipping my perspective. It requires a bit of a mental (and heartful) surrender, but I've found it to be helpful.

I've had challenging relationships with my mother. All of them. My Biological Mother. My Adoptive Mother, My Foster mother(s). Relationships that have involved lots of abuse, abandonment, secretly abused trust, betrayal and so much more. I've spent a lot of time and effort avoiding. covering. respectfully enduring. painfully rising above. However, in a world of mass murder, exaggerated fear, societal pressure, crappy guys, split brunch checks, and lost uber drivers stuck in traffic, having poor relationships with my own mother, as woman without a mentor has been hard!

When my adoptive mother passed in 2017, it was hard facing her on her death bed after 15 years of estrangement. It was hard feeding soup to a woman that had abused and tormented me, but it was freeing shifting my perspective... she too was an abused woman. And even on her deathbed, she was being rejected, neglected, and abused by people she cared for. This shift in perspective taught me I invested so much expectation and desire of safety and mothering into a woman that was unable to even protect herself from her own demons. It also taught me, I am a damn good mother. My inner self has mothered me through storms. she is strong. forgiving. self-empowering. thoughtful. rebellious and intolerant of against abuse. and growing up I probably made my "mother" feel like shit not being able to live up to those expectations I held against her.

I know what it's like to not feel good enough. To feel ashamed. To feel failure. I know it hurts.
....and hurt tends to lash out and hurt others, falsely empowering themselves by putting others down.

I am selfish. Unintentionally. But still harmfully selfish at times forgetting we're all on a journey.
everyone. on a divine journey: some seeking God, others seeking to rise into freedom away from abuse, some seeking life and security and bonding, and others simply seeking the truth of life.

Awkwardly bumping and bruising one another, trying to find our own way. Projecting inner battles and demons on each other, not doing enough compassionate listening and story sharing.

My mothers hurt me. painfully so. but they raised me. beautifully so. they each, in their own unique ways, taught me my strength, how my presence in their lives could help heal wounds they were struggling with (and in turn help heal mine).

forgiveness matters. it's healing. I don't know what it is, but I highly encourage us all to just do it.


       Pick 3-5 heartbreaks, painful injuries (physical, emotional, spiritual), broken relationships.
      Think back over your suffering, your rage, your sadness. Think back over the shame felt, the failed unmet expectation, and your judgement about it.  
      If you are able to release it as, in peace... just do it.
      If you aren't, try changing your perspective. First thing first. What do you know about that person's story? Their life, their journey. 
     How does it align with your story. Your Journey? Do you share similarities. 
     Have you experienced the same hurts, the guards, the same fears?

    Write a letter, pick up the phone, ask them to coffee, or say a prayer.
    Express your story. YOUR TRUTH. Be willing to express your understanding of their story. Sometimes this is where the error starts.
    Create a free-will space, allow them to write back, or listen and share, respectfully with boundaries. The mission doesn't have to sameness or agreeance, it's about mutual compassionate safe space created for sharing, understanding and respecting two very different perspective of journey, how you can co-create, developing a plan of action to heal your bond, or how you can respectfully part ways.


4. Love Shamelessly.

What is love? How do you do it? I. DON'T. HAVE. A.CLUE. but I do it.

I love myself shamelessly. hopelessly. romantically. in my highs and in my failures,

I love Latasha Jean Williams.
I also love cool sunny days, wandering greenways, and botanical gardens.
I love modern build homes and sophisticated housewares and finishes.
I love flaming hot Cheetos.
I love my dog Harlow.
I could possibly also love Popeyes new chicken sandwich if the line wasn't wrapped around the building every time I tried to get one. LOL

I've found love to be instant, attention grabbing, scary and fleeting.
I've found love to be toxic, harmful, mind-bending, painful and manipulative.
I've found love to be wild, loud, manic, sweaty, freeing surrender
I've found love to be calm, cautious, peaceful, kind, and protective.
I've found love to be sacrificial, intentional, soul saving.
...and I found love delayed. Only after witnessing the audacious truth of a journey lived

Love is wherever you find it. In whomever you find it. Whatever you decide.
That to me is the beauty of love. Reflecting one of the many facets of divine love you carry within yourself. or all of them at the same time.

      list 3-5 things, people places that you love or make you feel loved. 
      create a routine to interact with them daily or at least weekly. 
      find ways to express gratitude about their presence in your life.

5. Love God. Have Gratitude. Share your stories about your bond. Respect. Learn.

Is it me or am I repetitively vague? LOL.

I know who God is to me, but there is no one single identity. God is to me is in the Bible. God is my heart still working while I sleep at night. God is my provider and protector. God is loving my dog. God is all-powerful and mighty. God is exploring a new talent. God is forgiving and sacrificial. God is a car patiently waiting for slow pedestrians to cross the street. God is a peaceful unseen trampled blade of grass in a garden filled with admired roses. God is an all-consuming presence that shakes your core, stirs your spirit, and empowers you to rise above the death drip of suffering, sorrow, and pain.

God to you may be different.
....but what I know for sure, acknowledged or not, GOD IS.

Therefore have gratitude. In all things. it's so helpful when you feel like you don't have much to be grateful for. One thing I like to remember and imagine on a macro and micro way....

Macro: there are as many universes, as there are grains of sands on this Earth. Who am I, or anyone else, to limit the idea of God and possibility to facts and rationality. Period.

Micro: I sleep so good at night. peacefully. surrendered fully. It's never dawned on me fully, or my mind has never thought to fully consider, if I've moved enough to keep my heart pumping through the night, or if I've drank enough water to keep my body functioning. Even when life circumstances may not be ideal, life, REAL God-designed life sustains, and thrives with what it has been given, to the best of its ability, from conception to death. Allowing every living being to selfishly live without thought or consideration of the billions of active cells working on your behalf.

I'm often just in awe. be grateful.

...and if you are awed by God, share it. Share all the things that keep you connected to God. Share your ups and down, the beauty and the ugly. Again, it goes back to our journeys. Some journeys are painfully disconnected or feel too shamed to reconnect with God.

If you experience God as forgiving, share the presence with someone that has been shamed and feels rejected.

If you experience God as beautiful, empowering, and life-sustaining, share that with someone that feels like giving up and can't find life worth living for.

If you experience God as a calming restorative peace, share it with someone lost in chaos seeking a savior to hold them.

God is abundant, never-ending, all-powerful, conquerer, protector, and provider.

RESPECT.
yourself. others. God's creations. to the best of your ability.
Our society is clamored with abused, mistreated, divine godly creations. It's hard trying to save the world. Do I stop using plastic straws to save the turtles. The Amazon is on fire. Do I rally to support Communities of Color, should I bring awareness to LGBQTI identifying lives that are being murdered.

my suggestion...
Start with home. YOU. we all could use some unplugging from societal standards and pressures. love you. reject hate. slowly find ways to cut bonds from harmful toxic patterns, people, places and reinvest your energy, attention, and love into spaces that help heal, share love freely, and uplift the soul. understand what matters to you (and why!), identify your source of life, reconnect with it. Get out into nature. bond with animals. eat healthy(ier), learn about natural minerals (pick one, learn about its benefits and share with others how it may help), get some sun, open up the windows, get fresh air, dive into your passion, find an outlet to speak and express freely with pressure and expectation, be creative, create, drink water, drink water, drink water, be grateful for it, feed your soul with water (healing joy, acceptance, peace, grace, God), and love yourself! you are divine. you are surrounded by divine souls. love each other. we won't do it perfectly, but trying truly makes a difference.

LEARN.
when we connect with Ourselves. Others. God. Animals. Nature, we reconnect with the truth of our humanity, purpose, love, belonging, and self-sustaining peace. We heal our wounds and in turn learn how to heal others.

      List 3-5 things, people places where you experience or feel connect to God. 
      Create a routine to interact with them daily or at least weekly. 
      Find ways to express gratitude about their presence in your life.

Oh Latasha Jean how sweet you are! Fully 30-something!